theorangeinkblot

Looking at life through orange colored glasses…

Archive for the tag “humor”

I Wish I Ate Hay (Sing to the Tune of “Stay” by Rihanna)

The tragic story of a rooster in love with a cow who is looking for greener pastures…

All along it was a heifer

A bovid mammal with no feathers

I perched on a rock, said, “Crow me something,”

She said, “All you cocks think you are so kosher.”

Day after day after day after day you moo.

Couldn’t care less about my cock a doodle doos.

I know you don’t feel the same about me

but something in the way you moo.

Makes me feel like I can’t roost w/o you.

You help me greet each day.

I wish I ate hay.

I think that you are quite amazing

Sometimes I just sit and watch you grazing.

Day after day after day after day you moo.

Couldn’t care less about my cock a doodle doos.

I know you don’t feel the same about me.

but something in the way you moo.

Makes me feel like I can’t roost w/o you

You help me greet each day.

I wish I ate hay.

Oooh, oooh, oooh you’re waiting for a bull.

Oooh, ooooh, oooh but I’m ready and able.

True a hen can lay an egg but you make milk that’s used for cheese and butter.

And I’ve come to realize that for this rooster that there can be no udder.

I know you don’t feel the same about me but something in the way you moo.

Makes me feel like I can’t roost w/o you

You help me greet each day

I wish I ate hay

I wish I ate hay.

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I may have the flu, but the flu doesn’t have me.

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

― Abraham Lincoln

 I Choose Happiness

Even though I have the flu and am feeling somewhat crappy

Today, I am choosing to be happy.

True, the flu’s a bummer

I could wallow and be glummer

I could whine away the day

let my thoughts decay to gray

let my mood succumb to nastiness

Instead, I’ll just choose happiness.

 

 

Even though there’s congestion in my chest

Today I am choosing to feel blessed.

True, my cough’s annoying

It’s not something I’m enjoying

I could choose to be depressed

That my immune system’s suppressed

I could sit here and be stressing.

Instead, I’ll count my blessings.

 

 

Even though the gross stuff in my nose is of great magnitude

Today I am choosing to show gratitude.

True, if I run out of tissue

It could become a larger issue

My nose is in need of a soft place to sneeze.

And it’s only request is to breathe with more ease.

About this I could feel quite hateful

Instead I choose to be grateful.

The World According to Rachel, Part 3: Wide Awake

The following is a reprint from a short-lived blog I started when my youngest daughter was about 18 months old.  It is written from what I imagined her point of view would be.  If you missed Part 1 and Part 2, you can check it out at: http://wp.me/p1ZHOE-8W or check my recent posts…

Usually, I am a pretty good sleeper. But one night last week I woke up while it was still dark out and I wasn’t even tired. I was feeling a little lonely, so I decided to call for mommy, because she is my favorite one to play with. I called, “mommy” really loud and drawn out and then I waited. I didn’t hear any footsteps, so I called again, “mommy” as loud as I could. Still nothing. Since I am a stubborn little bugger (this is what mommy calls me sometimes) I decided to keep trying. I stood up in my crib and started shaking the side as hard as I could- RATTLE, RATTLE, RATTLE. I thought this would work for sure because mommy had just read an article about a crib recall where the sliding crib wall could separate from the crib and smush the innocent little baby, but mommy STILL didn’t come. Talk about stubborn. Then I had a great idea, so I started yelling, “I’m stuck, I’m stuck!!” I don’t know if mommy believed me, but right after that I heard footsteps and I knew that she was on her way.

Unfortunately, when mommy came into the room, she did not look happy to see me. She said in a very soft but serious voice- “Rachel, it is 3:30 in the morning.”

Oh good, I thought. It is morning!!

Mommy kept talking, “It is not play time, it is sleep time. I will sit with you in your chair and help you fall back to sleep, but we are NOT going into the living room and we are NOT playing. Got it?”

Mommy sounded sort of grouchy, so I just said, “got it, mommy.” Then she picked me up out of my crib and put me on her lap in the rocking chair. She still looked grouchy and I wanted her to smile, so after we had rocked for a minute or two I looked up at mommy and said, “nice to meet you, mommy!” And it worked! Mommy smiled and said, “nice to meet you too Rachel, now go to sleep.”

Mommy started singing to me all my bed time songs, such as: Never Surrender, Faithfully, and Wind Beneath My Wings. Just as I started to doze off, that dumb dog who lives next door started barking. At least, I think his name is “that dumb dog.” That’s what my daddy usually calls him. But I think he must have a few different names because daddy also calls him “that little yappy dog,” “the furry rat,” and some other names that a two year old is not supposed to repeat. So, I opened my eyes and said, “woof-woof” and started to laugh.

This time, mommy didn’t laugh. Instead, she started saying something I didn’t understand about “God granting her the serenity to accept the things she cannot change”… so I just closed my eyes and tried to fall back to sleep. I guess I did because when I woke up, I was back in my crib and it was light out and when I called for mommy she came right away. It’s nice when mommy keeps me company at night, but she is much more smiley during the day. Maybe next time, I’ll call for daddy and see how that goes.Image

The World According to Rachel, Part 2: Hide and Seek

The following is a reprint from a short-lived blog I started when my youngest daughter was about 18 months old.  It is written from what I imagined her point of view would be.  If you missed Part 1, you can check it out at: http://wp.me/p1ZHOE-8W

Hide and Seek is a very fun game. The best part is you can hide anything! Last week, I decided to play Hide and Seek with my shoes. My timing was perfect! Right after I hid them, mommy came into the living room and said, “Rachel, let’s find your shoes- it is time to go in the car to get your sister from after school art class.” I thought, “yay, mommy is IT- she has to find my shoes all by herself.”

Mommy said, “Where are your shoes, they were just here ten minutes ago?”

I said, “I don’t know.” (When you are playing hide and seek you are not supposed to tell the seeker where the hider is.)

First mommy looked under the couch (lots of stuff likes to hide under the couch). Then, mommy looked under the TV cabinet. Then she started walking around the house very fast looking everywhere for my shoes. I am SO good at Hide and Seek. Then mommy said that we were going to be late so I would have to wear different shoes and she brought over some strappy sandals that give my feet ouchies. I was very mad because I wanted to keep playing Hide and Seek so I laid down on the floor and started screaming. Then, while I was laying there, my sneaky mommy stuck those ouchy sandals on my feet and picked me up right off the floor. Next time, I have to remember to hide those ouchy sandals.

When we got to the school we had to sit in the car for a little while because there were no more parking spaces. I thought mommy might want to talk to pass the time so I kept shouting things like- “NO CAR,” “OUT, OUT, OUT,” and “ALL DONE..” Mommy didn’t listen. She just said something I didn’t understand about how I should quiet down because there were faraway kids in refugee camps that would trade places with me in a second. Finally, we picked up my sister and went back home but mommy did not want to play hide and seek anymore.

You will be happy to know that mommy did find my shoes two days later by accident when she opened up a cabinet while looking for her keys (please don’t tell mommy that it was me playing hide and seek with her keys). And now, I think my toys are playing Hide and Seek with me. I can’t find that Play Doh anywhere!!! I’ll have to remember to ask mommy about that tonight in the middle of the night when I wake her up. Then, I’ll write again and tell you all about it.

The World According to Rachel: Play Doh (reprint)

My summer schedule is kicking my butt and writing has taken a back seat to other things.  So, I’m cheating this time and reprinting something I wrote about 3 years ago when my youngest daughter was about to turn 2.  Anyone with a 2 year old knows what a challenging time it can be.  As I rode the terrible 2 roller coaster, I tried to imagine what my daughter might write if she could keep a diary/blog.  This is what I came up with… If you like it, then maybe I’ll cheat again next week ;).

The World According To Rachel
(also called: Why mommy will at some point go back to working outside the home.)

Play Doh

Today, mommy showed me a new toy called Play Doh. I loved it. Play Doh is squishy and can be shaped into anything. I asked mommy to make me Ming-Ming, Tuck, and Linny from my favorite TV show, ‘The Wonder Pets.’ Mommy made Ming-Ming look just like a duck, and Tuck looked pretty much like a turtle, but Linny did not look like a guinea pig at all so I asked her to do it again. Linny still did not look like a guinea pig but I didn’t want to hurt mommy’s feelings so I just pretended that it looked good. Mommy showed me how to make a snake, and also a pancake. We were having so much fun and laughing a lot. She didn’t even freak out when I tasted it (play doh does not taste very good in case you were wondering).

Then, I discovered that you can take two lumps of play doh and squish them together. To make it more fun, I said “squish, squish, squish” while I pushed the blue play doh into the pink play doh. Mommy said, “lets not mix all the colors” ( sometimes mommy can be really anal about that stuff- I think I heard her say it’s because she’s a Myers-Brigg  ‘J’). I mixed the colors anyway because it was so much fun. Then, mommy walked away from the table for a minute (she should really know better). When she came back, I had ripped up all the play doh into little pieces and thrown them on the floor- and then, because it made such a good noise, I threw all the play doh toys on the floor too. CRASH!!

Mommy gave a big sigh and got down on the floor. She was muttering something real low, but I couldn’t quite hear what it was. It had something to do with not giving up her career so she could stay home and pick cat hair and cheerio crumbs out of little lumps of play doh. I wish she had told me we could add things to the play doh!! Then mommy said it was time to clean up and she started putting the play doh away. That made me very sad and I started to cry. Mommy said “sorry kiddo, but you made a huge mess and it’s time to clean up.” That made me angry so I threw myself down on the floor and screamed a little. When I looked up, mommy wasn’t even in the room anymore.

I found her in my room getting things ready for my nap. You know what? I was a little tired. How does she know these things? Mommy and I have so much fun together. Next time, I will tell you about how I played hide and seek with my shoes and we were almost late to pick Sarah up from art class.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but my kids appear to be immune…

Why is it when I make suggestions,

My kids always respond with questions.

When I say, “Come stand by me.” They respond with “Why?”

When I suggest a piece of fruit, They ask, “can I have pie?”

The questions keep on coming

Every hour of every day.

Sometimes it feels like questions,

Is all they have to say, like…

 

Are we there yet?

Why’s my tongue wet?

Do you want to make a bet?

Can you explain the national debt?

 

Why do you say I’ve had enough?

Why is elbow skin so rough?

Why is 3rd grade math so tough?

Why can’t I run ‘round in the buff?

 

Will we ever own a yacht?

Do I have to get a shot?

Could you wipe away my snot?

Do you think my forehead’s hot?

 

Do you wish you were a kid?

Did you see what my sister did?

Why does the toilet have a lid?

Can I go on e-Bay and bid?

 

Can you buy me, give me, take me?

Will you give me my own house key?

Why did daddy grow a goatee?

Do you think that I’m a cutie?

 

See how my nice my skin is glistening?

Does my hair need more conditioning?

Can I start theatre auditioning?

Mommy, are you even listening?

 

Sometimes the answer’s plainly yes,

Other times I just don’t know.

If I’m stuck, I have the choice of:

‘just because’ or ‘no.’

 

Some of their questions make me laugh

Some of them make me sigh,

Some of their inquiries make me shake my head

and wonder why?

 

It seems to me that parents should get an answer key,

cliff notes, or a cheat sheet, to unlock these mysteries.

But alas, having children does not come with a plan,

so I’ll keep fielding questions like only mommy can.

I’m Mommy and I Know It… (Everyone else has done a take off of the LMFAO song, I figured I’d might as well too)

Image

When I walk on by, you’ll probably hear me humming a lullaby
I rock to the beat
of itsy bitsy spider when my playgroup meets.
Yeah
This is how I jam
ABC’s and Mary had a Little Lamb
Goodnight Moon and Sam I Am, Catching funny moments on the video cam.

I’m clapping my hands now

I’m stomping my feet now

I’m shouting hooray now

I got kids!

I’m clapping my hands now

I’m stomping my feet now

I’m shouting hooray now

I got kids!

I put my right foot in.  I take my right foot out.
I do the hokey pokey and I turn myself about.

I got spit up on my shirt and I ain’t afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it, show it)

I’m mommy and I know it.

I’m mommy and I know it.

Yeah
When we’re at the mall, kid’s throwing tantrums- it’s a sprawl and bawl
When we’re at the beach, kid strips down and starts to streak (what?)

This is how I roll, Taking deep breaths so I’m in control.

I need more grown-ups but I’m not nervous. I can stay connected if I have cell

service (what).

I’m clapping my hands now

I’m stomping my feet now

I’m shouting hooray now

I got kids!

I’m clapping my hands now

I’m stomping my feet now

I’m shouting hooray now

I got kids!

I put my right foot in.  I take my right foot out.

I do the hokey pokey and I turn myself about.

I got spit up on my shirt and I ain’t afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it)

I’m mommy and I know it.

I’m mommy and I know it.

Check it out,

Check it out

Wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, yeah!
Wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, yeah!
Wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, yeah!
Wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, yeah, yeah!

I watch the Wiggles, man,
I watch the Wiggles, man,
Yeah
I’m mommy and I know it

I’m clapping my hands now

I’m stomping my feet now

I’m shouting hooray now

I got kids!

I’m clapping my hands now

I’m stomping my feet now

I’m shouting hooray now

I got kids!

I’m mommy and I know it.

I’m Bringing Sweat Pants Back (Sing to the tune of Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake)

Image

(Picture credit: http://www.robbinssports.com/augusta-sportswear-ladies-open-bottom-sweatpants-p-2037.html)

I’m bringing sweat pants back.

Some folks might not think that I’m a class act.

They’ll say I’m slummin’ it behind my back,

or to my face if they don’t have no tact.

Wear ‘em to the movies.

Love my Hanes ®

I’ve lost my shackles

fashion I’m no slave.

A lot of dollars I am gonna save.

To peer pressure I am not gonna cave.

Wear ‘em to the mall.

Come on ladies

Go ahead get comfy
Pull on some fleece
Go ahead get comfy
Yoga pants
Go ahead get comfy
will never crease.
Go ahead get comfy
Don’t have to press them.
Go ahead get comfy
Don’t worry ‘bout hems
Go ahead get comfy.
You say I’m not in style.
Go ahead get comfy.
but sweatpants make me smile.
Go ahead get comfy.
and get your sweat pants on.

Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.

I’m bringing sweat pants back.

Those fashonistas don’t know how to slack.

Talk to the hand- I will not take your flack.

At least my pants don’t show off my butt crack.

Wear ‘em out to dinner.

Love my Hanes ®

I’ve lost my shackles

fashion I’m no slave.

A lot of dollars I am gonna save.

To peer pressure I am not gonna cave

Wear ‘em to the opera.

Come on ladies
Go ahead get comfy
Pull on some fleece
Go ahead get comfy
Yoga pants
Go ahead get comfy
will never crease.
Go ahead get comfy
Don’t have to press them.
Go ahead get comfy
Never worry ‘bout hems
Go ahead get comfy.
You say I’m not in style.
Go ahead get comfy.
but sweatpants make me smile.
Go ahead get comfy.
and get your sweat pants on.

Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.

You with me?

You with me?

You with me?

I’m bringing sweat pants back.

and I don’t want to hear you talking smack.

or saying in judgment I sorely lack.

When talking comfort I’m the daddy mack.

Wear ‘em to the prom.

Come on ladies
Go ahead get comfy
Pull on some fleece
Go ahead get comfy
Yoga pants
Go ahead get comfy
will never crease.
Go ahead get comfy
Don’t have to press them.
Go ahead get comfy
Never worry ‘bout hems
Go ahead get comfy.
You say I’m not in style.
Go ahead get comfy.
but sweatpants make me smile.
Go ahead get comfy.
and get your sweat pants on.

Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.
Go ahead get comfy.
Get your sweat pants on.

You with me?

You with me?

Junk Drawer Wars

Junk Drawer Wars

 Everybody has one- a drawer (probably in the kitchen) that houses a combination of useful stuff (scissors, pens, tape, etc.) alongside the random crap (old wine corks, business cards that you MIGHT need someday, concert ticket stubs, etc.), that you just can’t bring yourself to throw away.

Some people have very organized junk drawers.  Complete with sectioned off areas for each item (paper clips here, pencils there), their drawers really do not deserve to have ‘junk’ in their title. Our junk drawer, however, was threatening to take over our house.  The paperclips were joining with the safety pins in solidarity.  The scissors were refusing to cut on the grounds of poor living conditions.  The drawer was overflowing with ,well, what exactly WAS in there?  I decided to find out.

Our junk drawer- the 'before' picture.

I took the drawer over to my dining room table and started making piles by categories such as:

  • Things that have “bands” in the name (rubber bands (including 4 that used to hold bunches of asparagus together), silly bands, and hair bands).

hair bands & silly bands & rubber bands- Oh My!

  • Products that fasten one item to another item (i.e. paper clips, safety pins, staples, binder clips, tape, Velcro).

'Fasten-ating'

  • Items that my children use to draw where they are not supposed to (100+ pens & pencils, markers, and crayons).
  • Everything else.

Here’s what falls under everything else:

A sandwich baggie containing a driedel and 8 skittles;

7 paint brushes;

2 bobby pins;

3 hair clips;

2 wood spacers, 4 wooden dowels;

A handful of assorted screws, bolts, brackets, nails, etc.;

3 business cards (one of which I have actually been looking for);

2 chuck E. Cheese tokens;

2 tokens for use at an unknown location;

58 cents in pennies, nickels, and dimes;

1 seatbelt clip for a car seat we no longer own;

2 pencil cushions;

1 eyeglass repair kit, plus 1 arm to a broken pair of glasses (actual glasses MIA);

1 ear plug;

1 toddler cabinet lock (in spite of no longer having any toddlers);

1 nail file;

2 jar openers;

A ‘void’ stamp;

You can't make this stuff up.

An office name tag for the job I left in 2006;

1 calculator;

1 key chain, 1 key to an unknown lock, 1 small lock with keys attached;

1 small plastic pig;

1 Piglet stamp;

4 marbles;

A handful of twist ties;

2 dirty birthday candles;

A piece of a wind chime;

A Wrigley Field opening day Harry Caray memorial pin from 1998;

R.I.P. Harry Caray

5 pairs of scissors;

6 plug protectors (to keep my kids from electrocuting themselves- totally helpful while in the drawer);

1 laser pointer;

4 tubes of lip balm (assorted flavors);

2 pads of post it notes;

1 pedometer (broken);

3 “sun-catcher” crafts completed by my kids but which have clearly not been catching ANY sun;

20 random pieces of plastic (yeah, I have no idea);

Your guess is as good as mine.

1 wedding favor picture frame;

1 memory card from 3 cameras ago that no longer fits in any device we own;

2 white out pens;

1 packet of sleeping pills (note the expiration date)

2 flash drives;

8 (yes, 8) pencil sharpeners;

1 lonely cough drop;

1 golf tee;

1 tape measure;

1 stain remover stick;

A handful of random stickers;

1 tube of glue;

3 Webkinz tags (Perhaps I took their instructions to “Do Not Throw Out This Tag” too seriously?).  My kids haven’t logged onto a Webkinz account in 2 years

2 empty ink cartridges that I was really intending to recycle;

A Weight Watchers point finder from 2000 (the program hasn’t changed since then, right?);

1 tube of ‘After Bite’ itch eraser and;

3 metro ‘Smart Trip’ cards- balances unknown…

Pretty scary, right?  But don’t go calling ‘Hoarders’ quite yet.  You’ll be pleased to hear I threw half of that stuff away.

Our junk drawer- 'After.' Note my handy dandy use of snack size resealable baggies in lieu of a fancy organizer.

And, I relocated other items to different overflowing drawers (that reminds me, I need to go through my arts and craft supplies).  I am now the proud owner of one organized drawer.

So, what’s in your junk drawer?  It couldn’t possibly be worse than mine- or could it?  Inquiring minds want to know!!

I Licked A Wall (sing to the tune of Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed A Girl.’

Yum, paneling.

Note: Due to some sensory issues, my four-year old has a list of about ten foods that she will eat.  The only “fruit” on the list is freeze-dried apples.  The only “vegetable” on the list is corn.  She will however eat just about any non-food item she can find.  We are currently working with a specialist to help her overcome her Resistant Eater issues.  But in the meantime, I am trying hard to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing.

I Licked A Wall

(sing to the tune of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl.”)

I do not like to eat real food, I find it icky.

Mom says I’m food resistant, means more than picky.

I won’t eat those fruit snacks, but I’ll feed them to my toys.

I’ll stick them to the wall when they’re wet and sticky.

Puppy will eat my fruit rope.

Fruit snacks. So versatile.

I ate paper and I liked it.

But I won’t eat a carrot.

I ate paper and I liked it.

I think my friends should try it.

Mommy says it’s wrong, but I think it’s right.

Maybe I’ll try cardboard tonight.

I ate paper and I liked it.

Dad took me too a petting zoo, I saw a donkey.

We saw some goats and camels too, but not a monkey.

Maybe you’ll think it’s gross, but I had to lick the fence.

Daddy, was so upset, he wonders if I‘m dense.

I licked a wall and I liked it.

But I won’t eat a triscuit.

I licked a wall and I liked it.

And I might eat a dog biscuit.

Mommy says it’s wrong, but I think it’s right.

Maybe I’ll lick the floor tonight.

I licked a wall and I liked it.

Pokemon cards they are delish.  Wrapping paper’s my favorite dish. I will not eat a Swedish fish, but I’ll eat the package. It’s  no big deal, it’s just a snack.
I ate paper and I liked it.

But I won’t eat a carrot.

I ate paper and I liked it.

I think my friends should try it.

Mommy says it’s wrong, but I think it’s right.

Maybe I’ll try cardboard tonight.

I ate paper and I liked it.

I liked it.

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